Ask the Educator: Help, how should I deal with bad behavior? 

by Carol Peterson, ICCE, CD(DONA)       from April 2008 Newsletter

I wish I could say that my kids are perfect angels, never whining or complaining, never having a tantrum or disagreeing.  However, I have learned a thing or two, and while my children are loud at times, for the most part they are well-behaved.  Like most children, they don't always want to listen, but we are not to the point where we need Super Nanny.

Here is what I have learned:

1.  Be consistent.  This is key.  Your child needs to understand that no means no.  Inconsistency results in confusion, and your child will begin to learn how to manipulate you.  I was in the grocery store recently watching a young mom pushing two children in a cart.  The kids knew how to work the system.  They asked for a candy bar, mom said no, child fake cries, mom gives in.  I saw them in check out and they each had two toys and three candy bars. 

2.  Be unified.  Both parents need to discipline in the same way, consistently.  I know that my kids will try to play the "other parent card", but I try to check in before agreeing, and often time finds that my husband has said no.

3.  Distinguish between childhood impulse and true disobedience.  Kids spill.  They accidentally break things.  They argue with siblings.  This is normal.  They should not hit each other or intentionally damage property.  The discipline should match the intent of the crime.  Did big brother accidentally run over little brother's foot or did he aim for it? 

4.  We can't expect kids to be able to reason like an adult.  I get this one wrong frequently, because I so often expect them to act like adults.  I try to remember that they are kids, but they need to respect me and each other.  When my oldest was two he cut a small slit in the curtains because he wanted to see out the window.  In his mind, the curtains were blocking his view, not the fact that he was only 30" tall.  He admitted what he did, and it was clear that he wasn't trying to be bad, so we hid the scissors and told him to never do it again.

5.  Make the punishment fit the crime, and make it age appropriate.  Along with this, correct behavior right away.  Punishing a child hours after the incident won't work because he or she won't remember why they are in trouble.  Also, the punishment needs to fit the crime, and make it creative.  I had my 4-year old scrub his crayon marks off the wall with a Magic Eraser.  He says he'll never do it again, but should he forget he'll get another go around with the Magic Eraser. 

6.  Give them a chance to speak.  I remember when my oldest was punished for something little brother did.  He tried to tell my husband, who wouldn't listen.  Give your kids a chance to speak.  You may not agree with the child-version of reality, but it is fair to allow them to speak.  At least she will know that she can talk with you.   

7.  If you goof, say you're sorry.  We all lose it from time to time and overreact.  We punish one when we should be punishing the other.  If it happens, tell your child you are sorry.  You are not being weak, rather, you are showing your gentle, human side.  Your child will learn the importance of asking forgiveness.

I hope this helps!