Grieving.  It is something that we all do at some point in our lives.  The loss of a loved one.  A cherished pet dies.  We say goodbye to a dear friend as she moves across the country.  Many never even consider birth as a reason to grieve.  But, ask the woman who prepares for a natural birth, reads, studies, selects a caregiver, and then ends up with a very medical birth how she feels.  You'll hear words like sadness, loss, inadequacy.  Terms usually used to define grief.

 

It is true that some women quickly accept what has happened and move on, but often it is not acceptance, just a burial of feelings.  Other women struggle for months or even years.  I have a friend, and she will recognize herself as she reads, who still tears up at recalling her first birth.  An unplanned cesarean can shake a woman to her core.  A vaginal birth with unexpected interventions or outcomes can do the same.

 

How can a woman heal and move on? 

 

1.  Tell your story.  The more you tell your story, the sooner you can get to a place of acceptance.  But, don't tell everyone.  You must find someone that can listen non-judgmentally, and who can really understand.  This person may not be your spouse/ boyfriend/ significant other.  This may be your mom, a best friend, someone from your childbirth classes, your doula, or even a therapist.

 

2.  Write a letter.  You may never send it, but get what you have to say off your chest.  Write it all down.  Don't worry about punctuation or spelling.  Put it away for a time.  Later, you may consider sending a revised copy to the OB or midwife that assisted during your labor and birth if you feel it would be helpful. 

 

3.  Use art.  You may be a person that uses art to express herself, so this may come very naturally to you.  If you are not artistic, give this a try anyway.  Perfection is not the goal, rather, insight into your feelings.  Sit down with a piece of paper and draw, color, or use pictures from magazines to define what grieves you.  You may surprised at what you find.  Birthing From Within by Pam England includes information on Birth Art.  

 

4.  Find a support group.  Erie is fortunate to have an ICAN chapter, one of only two in PA.  While ICAN's primary mission is to raise awareness of unnecessary cesareans and provide education, meetings are open to ALL women who need to share their birth stories in a supportive environment. In addition, there is a postpartum depression support group through Stairways Behavioral Health (453-5806).  Many women find themselves depressed when grieving birth.  Seek out the support of one of these groups so you don't have to go it alone.

 

If you feel the need to grieve your birth, then you must do so in order to move past it.  Others may not understand why, but know that your feelings are valid.  Write, draw and seek support.  The process will help you to accept, which is essential to healing.