© 2010, Carol Peterson, ICCE, CD(DONA) Erie, PA
Birth Journeys
Carol Peterson, ICCE, HCHI, CD(DONA)
Instilling Confidence in Birth Since 2004
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What to Say When and Do When There Has Been a Loss
June 2009 Newsletter, written by Carol Peterson, ICCE, CD(DONA)
When there has been a miscarriage or stillbirth, it is not unusual to not know what to say. While all of us at some point will understand the pain of losing a parent, few of us will ever understand the pain of losing a child. Even in the earliest parts of pregnancy this loss can be devastating.
Words to avoid:
- You can always have more children.
- God needed an angel.
- I guess it wasn't meant to be.
- You'll move on.
- You can try again in a few months.
Ways to help:
- If they picked out a baby name, refer to the baby by that name. Don't say "it".
- Some parents are sensitive to the word "loss". Their baby is not "lost", he or she has died. Do not be afraid to use the word "died".
- Ask mom and dad how they are doing. Just listen. Don't judge. It is not uncommon for the grieving mom to blame herself, when often there was no way to prevent the death.
- If you don't know what to say, be honest. It is better to say "I don't know what to say, but I can listen" than to try to change the subject or say something inappropriate.
- Remember that all connected to the family will grieve, each differently.
- Don't pretend that nothing has happened.
- Remember that the hardest part comes after the funeral. Once everyone else's life goes back to normal, the grieving family's has not. Still call, still email, still reach out.
- It is not uncommon for grieving families to seclude themselves. Still continue to reach out to them. Even if they do not feel up to coming over for a meal, at least they received the invite.
- If there was a stillbirth, or the loss of a baby shortly after birth, it is easy to forget that mom labored and gave birth. She still has all the same postpartum issues: sore bottom, engorged breasts, being hormonal, and add to this grief. Offer to help around the house, or buy groceries, or do a load of laundry.
- Send a birthday card to the family every year. Often, this day will come and go without a nod from anyone. Meanwhile, the family feels like no one remembers.
Just remember this very simple principle: Do and say to the family what you would want said and done for you. This experience will always be a part of their lives, but your friendship can help to add light to what may be a very difficult time.